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Fame Audit: Tom Cruise

NAME: Thomas Cruise Mapother IV
AUDIT DATE: December 12, 2001
AGE: 39
OCCUPATION : Movie Star/Producer
EXPERIENCE : 24 movies since 1981

Assessment

I'm supposed to be smack in the creamy centre of Tom Cruise's target demographic. I was almost twelve when Top Gun came out, and god knows all my friends had serious crushes on him then. By the time I was a senior in high school, he was showing off his brainy idealism in A Few Good Men. I had just finished university and was soon to marry when he taught us all how to love in Jerry Maguire. And I was just starting to get the two-year itch (well, not really) when he took on the subject of marital infidelity in Eyes Wide Shut. By all rights, Tom Cruise probably should really boil my potatoes, but he doesn't, and he never has.

Despite my misgivings about him, Tom Cruise is undeniably the biggest, most famous movie star in the world. Sure, Harrison Ford's movies have made more money than Tom Cruise's have, but Ford has been in the business fifteen years longer and has churned out almost three times as many movies. Tom Hanks has more Oscars, but since Hanks wasn't saddled with model-perfect, hunky features, it's been easier for him to play the showy elder-statesman roles Oscar loves so well. When it comes to sheer, unadulterated star power, Tom Cruise has got more than any other actor his age. He's a supernova. His fame is so unfathomably unshakeable, in fact, that it's scarcely possible for anyone not to have an opinion on him. He's like the President of the United States of Fame.

And, frankly, looking over his CV, it's easy to see why. Sure, there are the high-profile flops (Legend, Far and Away), and some of his early work hasn't aged well (your Risky Business, your Losin' It), and his streak of Young [Blank] Who Ignores His Crusty Mentor And Plays By His Own Rules roles probably should have ended before Days of Thunder, and he occasionally veers into mawkishness that would make Robin Williams roll his eyes (Rain Man). Even so, he has been fairly choosy in his roles -- if you had to guess, would you have thought he'd only starred in twenty-four films since 1981? When Cameron Diaz has starred in twenty-six since 1994? -- and his choosiness has yielded a succession of certified box-office hits and three Oscar nominations.

So we may agree that Cruise's professional standing accounts for some measure of his fame -- the fact that when he goes on Oprah or Rosie, he gets the full hour, and the appearance is hyped for several weeks before the event, or the understanding that he will appear on the cover of Vanity Fair at least once every two years. But as we all know, there is a component of Cruise's fame that has nothing to do with his track record as an actor. There is a reason that the details of his recent divorce from Nicole Kidman was fodder not just for the tabloids but for People and Entertainment Weekly, and that the question of who was to blame was a topic of speculation far longer than when, say, Bruce Willis and Demi Moore split up a few years ago.

By the way, you can learn more about celebrity hookups, breakups, and all the juicy hollywood gossip at Hollywood Insider.

Despite all the Oscar nominations and $25 million paydays and such, Tom Cruise is as famous as he is in large part because he is widely believed to be a weirdo. Because we at Fametracker don't know Mr. Cruise personally, and because we don't want to get sued, we aren't saying that Cruise is a weirdo on the scale of, say, a Michael Jackson. We certainly can't comment on the veracity of any of the stories that, despite Cruise's best efforts (and those of his publicist, the legendary Pat Kingsley) to project an image of himself as the ultimate all-American boy next door, hang around him like a bad smell -- and when the news broke about his impending divorce from Kidman, those stories became part of the speculation surrounding the reasons for the separation as if they were facts in the public record. (Again, of the following scenarios, we are not saying any are true -- just that commentators and observers may have given voice to them in public. We were not among said commentators and observers, and we're still not now. As far as we know, none of the following statements is in any way true, just so we're clear, Tom Cruise's lawyers.) Was Tom ditching Nicole because he was getting set to trade her in for a new beard -- since we all know Tom is a closeted homosexual? Did it have anything to do with those sex therapists who had to be hired to work on the set of Eyes Wide Shut and teach Cruise and his wife how to relate to each other sexually, since they were apparently not accustomed to doing so? What about the baby Kidman miscarried? Since Cruise clearly couldn't be the father, who was? Had Kidman decided to leave Cruise because she was no longer willing to pretend to believe in the tenets of Cruise's faith, Scientology?

In the middle of all the bad press -- since People and InStyle quickly sided with Kidman -- Cruise decided to bring even more public humiliation upon himself by declaring war on some poor (male) porn star who'd told some tabloid that he'd had sex with Cruise, and suing him for the completely ludicrous sum of $100 million. Because, as we all know, the best way to defuse rumours that you're gay is to get hysterically angry in front of, literally, the entire world. I mean, $100 million? We surely don't have to spell out how that looks to us, because it probably looks much the same to you. (And also, we don't want to get sued.)

The strange thing, then, is the way in which Tom Cruise plays off the two sides of his fame against each other. Half the people who know of him (and, okay, given that he's probably among the top ten most famous people in the world, that's...half the world) thinks of him as a crookedly grinning, artfully tousled, squeaky-clean, mom-loving superstar. The other half think of him as an L. Ron Hubbard-brainwashed, sham-marrying, closeted homosexual who's only taken up with Penélope Cruz because she's so eager to crawl the fame ladder that she doesn't mind pretending to be in love with a gay man. (Which is certainly not to say that L. Ron Hubbard or any of this followers is actually in the habit of brainwashing anyone.) There isn't anything he can do to win over those who regard him as a phony or a weirdo -- or, rather, he seems to go out of his way, as with the $100 million lawsuit, to convince those who think he's hiding something that their impression is correct. And on the other side, those who've fallen in love with the public image he and Pat Kingsley have constructed will only get more and more convinced, with each successive white-bread movie role, that their impression is correct. Both sides are so deeply entrenched that there's no way for them to meet in the middle.

Given this détente, there's no reason to believe Cruise's fame will ebb any time soon. And it's not as though he could be any more famous than he is now, given that he's already Tom Cruise. Hugely famous though he is, we must grudgingly concede that he is exactly as famous as he should be.

Assets

Liabilities

Fame Barometer

Current approximate level of fame: Tom Cruise

Deserved approximate level of fame: Tom Cruise





Four Brothers

It’s tough to follow up what filmmaker John Singleton has accomplished since his impressive imprint as the youngest director (age 24) ever to be nominated for an Academy Award for his gritty 1991 streetwise saga Boyz N the Hood. Since that audacious beginning, Singleton has been rather uneven in settling for arbitrary urban thrillers that possessed pockets of flashiness but lacked the true vision of tension-filled angst (2000’s stylish remake of Shaft and 2003’s roguish racing flick 2 Fast 2 Furious comes immediately to mind). In Singleton’s latest urban revenge thriller Four Brothers, his sassy narrative plays like a disjointed 70’s moody vehicle where displaying toughness on the mean streets is rooted in its usual cliched and conventional mode.

Four Brothers is intentionally modeled after John “The Duke” Wayne’s 1965 western fraternal fable The Sons of Katie Elder. Singleton’s frenetic exposition tells the tale about adoptive brothers (two sets of white and black siblings) who return home to bury their beloved “stand-in” mother—the patient and loving woman responsible for raising them when they were considered societal throwaway casualties. Unfortunately, 62-year old Evelyn Mercer (Fionnula Flanagan) was killed in what appeared to be a random liquor store robbery that was completely botched. However, further reviewing of this deadly incident clearly indicates that Evelyn may have been purposely executed as opposed to innocently being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Naturally, the Mercer brothers come back to the old decrepit Detroit neighborhood with their own brand of grieving process in tow. In an effort to find out the dire circumstances behind their adoptive mother’s demise, the fearless foursome arrive on the scene with the sordid mentality to spill some gallons of blood on their terms in order to get to the bottom of this personal tragedy. Leading the charge of the returning sibs is hot-tempered Bobby (Mark Wahlberg). Smooth ladies’ man and ex-soldier Angel (Tyrese Gibson) joins in on the twisted fun. Respectable family man and savvy business guru Jeremiah (Andre “3000” Benjamin from the musical act Outkast) gets involved as well. Also, the youthful and tattooed rock star wannabe Jack (Garrett Hedlund) follows in the footsteps of his avenging brothers. Together, the Mercer boys are out to collect the scumbags that ended the meaningful life of their cherished inspirational guide.

As the Mercers look for the undesirables that murdered Evelyn, their childhood friend Lt. Green (Hustle & Flow Terrence Howard) warns them that it is the duty of the police department to launch an investigation and that their vigilante methods aren’t going to help matters. Partnered with the sensible black Green is white Detective Fowler (Josh Charles), a shady character in his own right. Feeling an understandable sense of frustration and loss, the Mercers realize that the police force has no control over the seedy streets. Plus, they don’t share the vested interest in cracking some serious skulls in the name of the dearly departed and sainted Evelyn Mercer.

While rampaging through the cold-hearted alleyways, the Mercers are forced to keep a close eye on resident crazed and colorful gangster kingpin Victor Sweet (Chiwetel Ejiofor from Pretty Little Things). As if dealing with the eccentric Sweet and corruptive cop Fowler wasn’t enough of a distraction for the boys, their personal lives add to the animated mix. Angel is emotionally wrapped up with his boisterous on-again, off-again loony-minded Latina girlfriend Sofi (Sofia Vergara) who brings instant dissention to the brothers’ looming agenda. Camille (Taraji P. Henson) is Jeremiah’s concerned wife who doesn’t want her focused husband to become too wayward and abandon his moral principles to appease the recklessness of his brothers’ influence.

Four Brothers was probably meant to be an action-oriented piece that embraced the concept of redemption as its soulful core. Singleton knows how to accentuate the flourishes of an actioner and relies on the stand-by premise of outrageous shootouts and exaggerated car chases in an awkward effort to capture the essence of his fiery flick. However, the movie maker fails to let the film resonate with genuine emotional depth pertaining to the sketchy characterizations. While it’s admirable for Singleton to paint his portrait in black-and-white overtones thus showing the good and evil that each side maintains, the interracial aspect feels conveniently gimmicky and only clicks as a forced afterthought. Most of the so-called riveting chase scenes—both cars and on foot—are murky and indistinguishable and really is nothing distinctive that you haven’t seen countless times before.

Although the quartet of lead actors are charismatic and portray the conviction of brotherhood with a touch of flair and fury, the material is not flexible enough to convey the clumsy offering of sentimentality and sensationalistic violence to uplift this movie as an introspective crime-ridden caper. The supporting cast is curiously lost in the shuffle. Howard is given a thankless filler role as the Mercer brothers’ law enforcing conscience from the past. Ejiofor is overwrought as a cartoonish crime lord in his ruthlessness as Detroit’s top badass. Screenwriters David Elliot and Paul Lovett merely go with the flow and concoct a scattershot script that scrapes at the raw surface of racial/economic class alienation and allegiance.

Surprisingly, Singleton’s Four Brothers doesn’t have the cohesive rhythmic pulse and pizzazz that was abundantly demonstrated in his producing credits for Craig Brewer’s probing debut drama Hustle & Flow. Clearly, Singleton shows no original or resourceful brotherly love for helming a transparent revenge-seeking rouser with all the psychological complexity and bluntness of a rusty sledgehammer.

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Alone in the Dark

Alone in the Dark (2005) Lions Gate Films
1 hr. 36 mins.
Starring: Christian Slater, Tara Reid, Stephen Dorff, William Sanderson, Robert C. Bruce
Directed by: Uwe Bol

Geez, the uneventful month of January hasn’t even concluded yet but that doesn’t stop certain uncaring movie studios from tossing remaining cheesy junk on the big screen in a futile effort to clear their cluttered shelves. Besides, some of these distributors should at least have some heart when considering that it’s way too early in the year for movie critics and film fans alike to start contemplating their top ten worst films for 2005. Well, at least director Uwe Bol’s excruciatingly tired and tepid action-oriented suspense piece Alone in the Dark is an automatic and dubious choice given that it will undoubtedly be included on various bad movie-oriented lists as the new movie season trudges onward.

Whenever a randy pseudo-flashy and flimsy fantasy is headed up by suspect third rate leads Christian Slater and curvaceous kook Tara Reid one must not claim ignorance when choosing to avoid the warning signs. Alone in the Dark—the film’s apt title—describes the empty feeling one will maintain when watching this sci-fi stinker in an unlit, dank movie theater. Woefully murky and meaningless from the introduction of the opening credits, Alone in the Dark is even too incompetent to be an intentional camp-ridden miscue. As a filmmaker, Bol (House of the Dead) insists on overseeing this comatose creature-feature farce that serves no purpose other than to remind science fiction buffs that they can be doing something better with their time—perhaps maybe drawing in their nostalgic Star Wars coloring books?

Based on the video game (hmmm…that should be yet another glaring signal to tip off folks who were erroneously expecting a halfway decent flick), Alone in the Dark is an example of putrid patchwork at its lamest. There’s nothing special here that would make an overstuffed carnivorous alien burp on cue. If your idea of adequate cinema consists of showcasing well-paid irritating C-list stars that can’t act then great…knock yourself out. Or if you cherish a relentlessly scatterbrained plot, bargain basement CGI special effects and a barrage of cliched-driven flourishes that are so pervasive in this overwrought genre then bingo—you struck an unlikely sense of misplaced glee with wanting to be in the Dark.

In usual distracting form, a smirking Slater plays a former off-the-cuff paranormal investigator named Edward Canby. When Canby stumbles across a desired gem that may be a revered link to the ancient rivalry involving the conflicting philosophies of good and evil, he must determine the value of such a rare artifact. Alertly, he consults his ex gal pal Aline (Tara Reid), an intelligent assistant curator/archeologist (please resist the temptation to chuckle) about the treasured trinket he’s found. Soon, Canby’s checkered past will play an important part in his upcoming misadventures with the teaming of radiant Aline and their mysterious prized possession.

In an extraordinary bid to preserve order in the world, Canby and Aline must confront the sinister forces that dare to disturb their current existence. To ensure that some of the thick-headed audience could grasp the simple-minded concepts involving mysterious civilizations, madcap researchers and a shady governmental outfit known as Bureau 713, we’re treated to a patronizing opening where a voiceover sets the stage for this otherwise flaccid fable. In other words, the filmmakers were obliged to service the condescending gesture of having a narrator read the scrolling text off the screen—courtesy for all of you illiterates out there who couldn’t decipher the Mickey Mouse-style layout of wording. Gee, how thoughtful, huh?

Methodically, Bol’s nonsensical narrative rambles on without giving any serious consideration to the scarce storyline or the sketchy character developments that are all but abandoned. The film’s inexplicable insistence on scattering bothersome beastly intruders as an entertaining obstacle for the protagonists to blast away at will seems so aimless and inconsequential. It’s as if Bol and his handlers were trying to ad lib their way to an excitable climax as the movie meanders in search of its spontaneous pithiness. Overall, Alone in the Dark can’t escape its choking muck as it fails on every level imaginable to view as a palatable cheeseball sci-fi actioner.

Sadly, Alone in the Dark makes other uninspiring video-games-into-movie projects such as the Resident Evil and Lara Croft Tomb Raider film series look like Citizen Kane in comparison. The hammy over-the-top antics of Slater as a wayward action figurehead certainly scream volumes of indigestion. And having perennial party gal Reid being passed off as a capable professional woman with advanced knowledge is like expecting amorous NBA players to endorse a program for planned parenthood. It’s just not believable. The only thing convincing about the transparent participants in this spoiled spectacle is the manner in which they will get the last laugh on the clueless crowd witnessing them in one of the worst boisterous blunders of the year.

The world’s most durable and heavy duty flashlight couldn’t bring an ounce of brightness to the underwhelming Alone in the Dark.

Glad you read the review before suffering through the film? Check out more film reviews so you never have to fall prey to bad acting, direction, or storytelling again.





James Bond in Casino Royale

Daniel Craig Stars in A Whole New Kind of Bond Movie

The controversial new Bond movie "Casino Royale" takes James Bond back to the beginning of his career as 007 - and back to gritty basics.

Casino Royale is far from being a run-of-the-mill Bond movie. In an attempt to revitalize an ailing franchise, James Bond has been given a makeover – fewer gadgets, more realistic violence, and a screenplay based on the first novel he ever appeared in. And, of course, a new actor: Daniel Craig has stepped in to replace Pierce Brosnan as the face of Bond in this new era.

New Territory for 007

Both the look and the feel of this new Bond are a break with the route the series had been taking. Instead of one shot and a clever quip, the first death in the movie is an unpleasantly protracted bare-knuckle fight in a bathroom. When Bond is captured, the villain eschews laser-beams and timed detonators in favour of tying him to a wooden chair and lashing his groin with a knotted rope as the hero bellows in pain. Gadgets won’t get Bond out of trouble in this movie, and we even see him making mistakes whilst tailing a suspect. Most heretically of all, James Bond has to come to terms with the idea that a woman may have betrayed him, but still loved him.

Controversy Amongst the Fans

This makeover was, arguably, necessary to save the series. The last installment, Die Another Day, was absolutely woeful, featuring Pierce Brosnan’s increasing arsenal of leers, a giant space laser, and an invisible car. But however much Bond needs rejuvenating, Casino Royale will raise howls of protest from many long-time fans of the series. Complaints that “That’s not the Bond I know”, or simply “That’s not Bond” have been frequently heard outside cinemas, and accusations leveled that the producers are diluting the character, or selling out in an attempt to attract a larger female audience. This is, nonetheless, an excellent thriller, and at the risk of enraging traditionalists, this reviewer considers it to be much better than any previous Bond film. It has some exhilarating action sequences, including one best described as “post-colonial parkour chic”, and less of the tedious machismo which slows up previous films in the series. The fact that the violence seems more realistic paradoxically makes Casino Royale a more moral film in one sense: it does not attempt to gloss over the consequences of physical violence, even if it seems to glamorize them. Casino Royale risks falling between two stools, by being insufficiently “Bond” for Bond enthusiasts, and insufficiently subtle for those who want more than simple action in their films. In the end, it’s still a Bond film (whatever that means to its various audiences), but one which suggests that there may be a future for 007 in the 21st century.

Did you love this movie’s take on Bond or hate it? Check out more film reviews over at Hollywood Insider.





CommieTubbies
A Serious Look at a Serious Problem

N ot since the controversial early episodes of Zoom has a childrens' television program generated as much debate as Teletubbies, the British show featuring four seemingly lovable little critters. Are they hallucinogenic? Is their endless baby-talk stunting the vocal development of a generation's worth of kids? Are they (gasp) gay?

Who cares? All this meaningless talk only serves to mask a much more serious problem: the myriad of subliminal pro-communist messages this so-called "educational show" uses to bombard our unsuspecting children, the ones most susceptible to its siren call. Skeptical? Read on, and judge for yourself.

Introduction Meet Your Oppressors Episode Watch
Commies in the News Spotters' Field Reports (Updated 5/6/03)
NEW! The Smoking Gun!!
NEWER! ANOTHER Smoking Gun!!



INTRODUCTION

How can four pudgy muppets espouse the myriad values of a complex socioeconomic system like communism? Through the same simple imagery the show uses to reach small children -- colors and size, used to illustrate the dialectic nature of the evolution of communist thought and so-called "progress."


The Teletubby Dialectic, illustrating the evolution of socialist thought.

Consider that the youngest Teletubby (we won't make light of this matter by using their so-called "names" -- actually pseudonyms intended to cast ridicule upon those who might question the show's ideology) is red -- an obvious allusion to Karl Marx, communism's spritual progentior and representative of its youngest, most embryonic form.

Next youngest is the yellow one -- can the allusion to Mao's role in the evolution of communist thought be any more clear? Then comes the green one, a clear reference to the Green Party members that cement the coalition governments common in today's Socialist Europe.

The oldest one is purple, a color often associated with the royalty's divine mandate -- or in this case, the ideal classless society in which we will all live once socialism runs its inevitable historical course. (Note the lack of imagery linking to the failed Soviet experiment in communism -- as so-called Social Progressives are often wont to do, the show's creators have deftly removed any reference to their ideology's all-too-frequent failures.)


Nu-Nu: Helpful caretaker or symbol of the welfare state?
But we digress. As they go about enacting their five-year plan of mirth, the Commietubbies live in a surprisingly scary, antiseptic group home fabricated out of metal -- a utopian dream of group habitation that all too clearly -- and perhaps subliminally -- reveals the dark Orwellian undertones of authoritarianism. While no clear chain of command exists among the Commietubbies, scary-looking metalic speakers rise over the landscape, issuing orders to the denizens of this so-called worker's paradise, telling them when to assemble ("Time for Teletubbies!") when to disperse ("Time for Teletubby Bye-Bye!") and when to do everything in between -- yet another assertion that socialism and free will cannot co-exist. Television sets receiving placating broadcasts are implanted in each Tubby's stomach, a clear allusion to the importance of controlling the media -- and the Orwellian ability to revise history such power allows.

In a clear message that socialists' proponents believe government can better provide for people than they can themselves through the free market, a robotic caretaker also keeps the group home in order, sweeping up crumbs (and presumably also keeping tabs on any similarly messy thoughts the CommieTubbies might have). Messages of "sharing" and "playing together" thinly disguise the show's true message -- the redistribution of income and the creation of the ultimate classless society!

Why? Perhaps it's important to consider the fact that the show's creators are from England, home of unflouridated water, cradle-to-grave socialism and appallingly poor cuisine (perhaps explaining the plastic-looking "Tubby Toast" on the show).

MEET YOUR OPPRESSORS

Still not convinced? Let's take a closer look at each of these subversive characters, as impeached by their own words (reprinted as found on the left-leaning pbs.org Web site; author's annotations are bracketed and in the blazing white of Truth, or at least the glowing off-white of Right-Thinking America).

Po (Karl Marx): Po is the smallest Teletubby. She often jumps up and down to express her feelings of joy, enthusiasm, and surprise [symbolizing the idealistic nature of early communist thought]. The natural place for Po is to be on her scooter zipping around the hills [Marx traveled between England and Germany]. She makes the noise "quickly, quickly, quickly" ["Workers of the World Unite!"] or "slowly, slowly, slowly" ["Communism is a gradual but historical inevitability"] when riding her scooter. Po spends a lot of time on her own. Next to riding her scooter, Po likes to keep an eye on the panel switches and controls on the central column inside the Teletubbies' house [Marx was obsessed with the means of production].

Laa-Laa (Mao): Laa-Laa is the second smallest Teletubby. She is the happiest and most smiley of the Teletubbies [Mao was often photographed with an inscrutable smile]. She too loves to sing and dance [a tacit acknowledgement by the show's authors that Mao's cultural revolution was a regrettable mistake]. Her favorite word is "nice" [Mao was believed to refer to Richard Nixon using this word] Laa-Laa loves the way her ball bounces and wobbles and grows bigger [Mao consolidated power across a huge land mass]. Laa-Laa always likes to know where all of the Teletubbies are [Mao's secret police was nearly as ruthless as Stalin's]. She has her own special La-la-la-la-la song [Commonly known as "The Internationale"].

Dipsy (Representing the Green-backed socialist coalition governments of modern-day Europe): Dipsy is the second biggest Teletubby [Europe's socialist economy is second in size only to that of the U.S.]. He is known for his distinctive steps and ways of saying "hello." [Coalition organizations must proceed with caution -- on tiptoes, as it were -- and employ diplomatic rhetoric or face dissolution.] He loves his hat very much [a clear reference to the EU, "covering" Europe with a common currency]. Dipsy sings a song with a reggae beat [reggae remains popular in England, which with its long dole lines and endless strikes, remains perhaps the best example of socialism by coalition] and when he is feeling "especially cool" will go for a walk by himself, wearing his hat and singing the song [Again, "The Internationale"].

Tinky Winky (Representing the dialectic inevitability of the socialist ideal): Tinky Winky is the biggest Teletubby [One day, international socialism will conquer the world]. He is the gentlest of the Teletubbies [In its ideal form, socialism will lack the repressive nature of earlier attempts]. His favorite thing is his bag [representing the acquired wealth and material nature of capitalism], which he likes to take out with him for walks [and redistribute the wealth]. He loves to dance and fall over on his back. Tinky Winky loves all of the Teletubbies, and his best friend is Po, the smallest one [True socialism in its purest form will be very similar to what Karl Marx envisioned].

EPISODE WATCH

Still unconvinced? Consider the following all-too-clear plot elements of this supposedly "nonlinear" show:

  • The Commietubbies are eating their communal meal in their Orwellian group home, and the little red one (Marx) is lying in bed and eating, an obvious reference to social welfare programs allowing the indigent to lie around doing nothing, while the gummint caters to their every need. When Karl and the other Commietubbies are done eating, the robotic vaccum cleaner flits around, cleaning up the mess they left behind -- a clear assertion of the arrogant presumption that the government can better regulate individuals' lives than they can themselves.
  • One of the Commietubbies starts picking up everyone's toys and putting them in his purse; later he gives them back to their respective commie owners -- an even more obvious allusion to the redistribution of wealth caused by a progressive taxation policy.
  • One of the Teletubbies (we believe it is Mao) discovers a stark wooden chair; he proceeds to sit down. One of the tubelike propaganda devices suddenly levitates from a collection of flowers and orders him to stand up, then sit down, then stand up, then sit down -- an unintentional indictment of the futility of totalitarianism. Later in the same episode, all four comrades must take turns sitting down on the same chair, a testament to the shortages in even the most basic consumer goods caused by central economic planning.
  • The highly propagandic Teletubbies Album includes a song about the rotund socialists' "dirty knees" -- an obvious glorification of the hard work upon which the foundations of socialism are built. Also, the Welfare State (also known as Nu Nu, the vaccum cleaner) cleans everything up once more.
  • NEW! In a recent episode, the Teletubbies all line up to receive their daily dose of "Tubby custard" (unintentionally reminiscent of both the long food lines of the Soviet era and the supposedly equal distribution of the fruits of production). Only when Marx gets to the end of the dole line to receive his custard, the machinery fails spectacularly, spewing scary-looking pink goo throughout their home, forcing the four Communist Horesmen of the Apocalypse to beat a hasty retreat. Could the veiled allusion to the disasterous Chernobyl incident of 1986 be any more clear? Doubters should note that it's Nu-Nu, the aforementioned robotic symbol of the welfare state, that's called in to clean up the mess -- just as robots were the first to try to contain Chernobyl's molten core.

COMMIES IN THE NEWS

  • The Teletubbies sue Wal-Mart for manufacturing a cheap knockoff of their own Bolshevik toys, charmingly called the Bubbly Chubbies. With Wal-Mart's clean, brightly lit stores with wide aisles full of reasonably priced deer knives, 50-gallon coolers, Kathy Lee fashions and other vital consumer goods, this can be seen as nothing less than an attack on the most sacred shrine of capitalism itself! Wake up, America!
  • Right-thinking American Rev. Jerry Falwell accuses the purple Teletubby of being gay. You'd think a man who once sold videotapes deifying the great, God-fearing Oliver North would be more concerned about the show's communist underpinnings, but apparently not.
  • One right-thinking Briton has come to a similar conclusion, though his analysis gets mired in England's petty political squabbles, which are a far cry from the noble work being done by right-thinking House managers even as we type.
  • Sweden has banned the Teletubbies, ostensibly because of its ability to get youngsters hooked on television. In reality, Sweden is in the early throes of a budget crisis brought about by its extreme form of cradle-to-grave socialism. (We've never seen a picture of King Olaf, but we bet he looks just like the purple Teletubby.) In their attempt to reduce the 70 percent top marginal tax rate and bring some semblance of market order to their economy, some right-thinking Swedes wisely decided that their children should not be brainwashed by this anti-capatalistic program. When will the United States show the same presence of mind, especially while the Republicans still enjoy a majority in the House and Senate?
  • At long last, the Rat-Bastard Commie Smoking Gun. We're through the looking glass, kids.


VIGILANT SPOTTERS

Fortunately, we aren't alone. Below are reports from our glowing global network of spotters and other Right-Thinking Americans (identities are, of course, kept anonymous to protect the innocent from the Red Muppet Menace).


From a Right-Thinking American@ mln.lib.ma.us

In many episodes of "Teletubbies", the Commietubbies dance around on what looks like a nice spring day.

In reality, they are MARCHING IN A MAY DAY PARADE. May 1st (May Day) is is a holiday in the Commie world to honor the "Workers"!

In the U.S. (and neighboring Canada too), Labor Day is in September, NOT on Communism Day, May 1st.

In one episode, Po was going around with a flag which I think was RED. Isn't a RED flag a symbol of "Communism/Workers/The People's Republic"?

All I thought was that Tinky-Winky was probably gay, but after visiting your website, they may pose an even bigger threat than Barney The Dinosaur!!!

(By the way, when you wrote about "Teletubbies" being the "most controver- sial PBS show since the early episodes of 'Zoom",", I differ. I didn't think "Zoom" was all that controversial. But Barney the Dinosaur is! He too is a threat to our youngsters!!!)

TIME FOR COMMIE BYE-BYE! TIME FOR COMMIE BYE-BYE!

Editor's Note: Barney? A threat? In fact, he is a paragon of capitalistic success, his "can-do" attitude and frequent appearances at local children's toy stores that cheerfuly take credit cards ranging from Visa to Diners Club a shining example of how American ingenuity extends even into the world of oversized muppets. Besides, Barney often exhorts his militia-like group of children to sing "Yankee Doodle Dandy," and as we all know, communists HATE that song. Enough said.

 

From a Right-Thinking American@nf.sympatico.ca

i too agree with your views on these virulent alien bastards.will their evil never cease?the real question now is,how lomg before those nasty chinese come up with their own vile version.oooooohhhhhh,the unthinkable......imagine an army of unstoppable asian socialist kiddy programs .THE HORROR...THE HORROR.!!!!!yours truly,a concened earthling.

Editor's Note: Wait just a minute. Let's not mire this serious discussion of a ideological threat to our nation's youth in childish racial sterotypes. Besides, the Japanese have been making superior consumer electronics and anime programs for decades now, instilling in our children a healthy desire to acquire and accumulate. They have nothing but our gratitide.

 

 

From a Right-Thinking American@fujicolor.com

I happened to see your article and I agree 100 % with your analysis. Anything on PBS is irresponsible socialist drivel. Keep up the good work!

Editor's Note: Even the John Tesh concerts?

 

 

From a Right-Thinking American@neocat.net

I love the webpage!!! It's absolutely hilarious!!!

Have you seen this webpage yet? http://www.geocities.com/CapitolHill/Lobby/1709/index.html

Editor's Note: We see no humor in our work here. This is a thankless, depressing duty for a card-carrying subscriber of the Bill of Rights (except for that Miranda crap). And we see no threat in the Smurfs. Along with being passe, they are so small that just one of our American-made Barneys could stomp an entire horde of the invading Teutonic creatures.

 

 

From a Right-Thinking American@earthlink.net

I can't quite put my finger on it, but I find Elmo to be quite suspicious. Could it be his bright RED fur? That incipient laugh that seems to imply a certain knowledge that escapes the rest of us? No, it must be that leadership quality and profound speaking voice that makes our innocent, impressionable children listen in an almost hypnotic state. I truly fear this red comrade. We should all beware.

Editor's Note: All too true. But his goldfish is really cool!

 

 

From a Wrong-Thinking New Zealander @ xtra.co.nz

I have never heard so much claptrap in all my life, just because u americans screw anything good from another country especially from europe;)

Teletubbies are for the kids and the kids in us, my children do not c anything but 4 little characters that make them smile and laugh at what they say and do.

In fact that has been more educational than barney ever will be with his two faced rubbish, he spouts so much rubbish that people get on that kids cannot adjust to life in the real world of bullying and hate.

I'd rather see my children learn from 4 great characters than one oversized, stuffed fleabag that has less sense than the tubbies put together;)

TELETUBBIES RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Editor's Note: Screw anything good from Europe? Now, where exactly did Marx come from? Peoria? And how about that Engels chap? Last time I checked, he wasn't from Akron. And where were right-thinking Americans Ronald Wilson Reagan, Oliver North and Kenneth Starr born? That's right--AMERICA.

They say the price of freedom is eternal vigilance, you know.

 

 

From a Wrong-Thinking American@tcs.tulane.edu

Is this a joke? If so, please forgive me, but I'm not sure whether to laugh or vomit at the article I just read. The truth is, anything can be interpreted to have Communist undertones--or any other sort of undertones. Do you remember a certain craze called Mc Carthyism?

If you don't want your children to be influenced by such programing, take some responsibility and monitor what they watch. However, it is not your place to monitor programming for the rest of the world. Its called freedom of expression, and anything that limits it is blatant censorship. How can we know what is good unless we can compare it to what is evil?

Get a grip, and get a life.

Editor's Note: That does it, missy. You just made the list!!

 

 

From a Right-Thinking American@voicenet.com

New findings! The 1999 Teletubbie calendar is full of subliminal messages aimed at corrupting our fragile children. Two particular pictures jump instantly to an intelligent person's attention:

1: The Lion. Appearing in an episode, the Lion roars " I am the scary lion with the big scary teeth, I'm scary on the top and I'm scary underneath" Is this an obvious allusion to the British Empire or what? I mean, good God! Furthermore, the lion is chasing a Bear, that cleverly avoids and taunts the lion, while laughing Tubbies look on. Bear! Of course we are referring to Russia, obviously with the firm hope in a restoration of Communist authoritarianism.

2: The december picture has all the Tubbies gazing upon a brightly decorated Christmas tree. All those scum can say is "Pretty Tree". That is blatant attack on sacred Western beliefs on the consumerism of Christmas! They should say " God Bless everyone", or "Merry Christmas, except to China", or something like that. "Pretty Tree", what the hell is that?!?!?

Time for Tubby Bye-Bye, for REAL, -A concerned commie basher

Editor's Note: Finally someone gets it. Thank you, Right-Thinking American, and may you stay ever-vigilant against polyurethane threats to our Way of Life.

 

 

From a Right-Thinking Nigerian@yahoo.com

THIS LETTER I AM SURE IS COMING TO YOU AS A SUPRISE, SINCE WE HAVE NOT HAD ANY COMMUNICATION BEFORE. MY NAME IS [ IDENTITY WITHELD] , A STAFF OF FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE .

FOLLOWING APPROVAL FOR THE PAYMENT OF LOAN OWED TO CREDITORS OF FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA IN THE BUDGET OF 1998. I HAVE THE MANDATE OF MY COLLEAGUES TO SOURCE FOR A RELIABLE BUSINESS MAN WHO WILL ASSIST US TO CLAIM SOME OF THIS APPROVED MONEY. OUT OF THE APPROVED $836 MILLION FOR LOAN REPAYMENT, $233 MILLION IS NON EXISTING LOAN WHICH WE HAVE CAREFULLY INCLUDED AND NOW NEED A POTENTIAL FOREIGN PARTNER AS IT IS FOREIGN LOAN, WHO WILL ASSIST US TO RECEIVE IT AND INVEST IT ON OUR BEHALF.

FOR A START WE ARE READY TO APPLY FOR AN IMMEDIATE PAYMENT OF $33 MILLION USD ONLY. THE PROCESS OF TRANSFERING THIS MONEY IS KNOWN TO US AND WE ARE READY TO SHARE IT ON THE RATIO OF 60% : 40% ONCE WE CAN JOINTLY FINANCE THE TRANSFER OF THE FUNDS TO YOUR ACCOUNT OR ANY COMPANY ACCOUNT NOMINATED BY YOU. IT WILL TAKE A MAXIMUM OF TWO FULL WORKING WEEKS.

PLEASE FOR THE AVOIDANCE OF DOUBTS, I WILL SEND THE PUBLICATION FOR YOUR PERUSAL. FEEL FREE TO VERIFY THE PUBLICATION BUT DO NOT DISCLOSE OUR IDENTITY OR INTENTION TO ANY BODY PLEASE. ON YOUR REPLY FURNISH ME WITH YOUR PRIVATE PHONE AND FAX LINES FOR EASY COMMUNICATION. YOUR FULL BANKING DETAILS AND NAME / COMPANY NAME. WITH THIS INFORMATION WE SHALL APPLY FOR THE PAYMENT IN YOUR NAME.

IF YOU FIND THIS DEAL INTERESTING AND WISH TO ASSIST US DO NOT HESITATE TO EMAIL ME. MIND YOU WE HAVE STUDIED AND TAKEN CARE OF ALL POSSIBLE TRACE TO ORIGIN OF LOAN AS SUCH NO RISK IS INVOLVED FOR YOUR PARTICIPATION. IT IS ALSO TO BE TREATED WITH UTMOST SECRECY. NOTE IF FOR ANY REASON YOU ARE NOT DISPOSED AT MOMENT TO UNDERTAKE THIS DEAL, LET ME KNOW ON TIME AS TO MAKE ALTERNATIVE ARRANGEMENTS.

Editor's Note: Regrettably, we are too busy with our ongoing battle against Communism to assist with this attractive financial transaction. However, we laud you for providing an excellent example of the benefits of shaking off the shackles of Communism and taking advantage of a fledgling market economy in the hopes of someday obtaining a computer keyboard with a caps lock key. You have our gratitude.

 

 

From a Wrong-Thinking American@dvol.com

If you don't think that a capitialist would slit your throat as quick as a communist, then you're in for a big surprise. NATO is just a conglomerate protecing the interests of international bankers, intent on world domination. By the way don't worry about the Teletubbies, Pikachu and the rest of the Pokemon are here to kick their ass.

Editor's Note: And what exactly is wrong with the international-banking conglomerate? Last time I checked, there's a brightly-lit, working ATM right down the street from me, charging only a modest "transaction fee" that is, in reality, a wholly justifiable return on capital. And every morning, an alarm clock generously provided by the same international cartel awakens me from slumber to another day of fighting Communism. So we engage in protracted air wars from time to time. Seems worth it to me!

 

From a Right-Thinking American@martinbischoff.com

It all started with Walt Disney... who was a complete fascist and an admirer of Hitler! Don't you see a certain inevitable conflict in the Teletubbies' rejection of the Mickey Mouse paradigm? Through the innocent eyes and minds of our Youth, the classic struggle between Marxism and Fascism is being played out! And the parents know nossink! Goofy was, of course, the archetypical sleeping American.

Editor's note: You're absolutely right -- it's like the Eastern Front all over again (except maybe for the cold weather).

 

 

From a Right-Thinking American@interl.net

I am thankful that you warned me of such now-obvious Communist references in the cute, cuddly Teletubbies. I now notice this evidence of the Teletubbies Communism, every time I watch. For example, in every single episode, an item which appears to be a windmill with incredibly sharp blades, starts to spin and emit a white dust. Then all four of the Teletubbies jump up from their Tubby Custard, Tubby Toast, or whatever they may be doing in their precious minutes of spare time, and say, "Uh-oh." After this, they waddle out into the field underneath the windmill and are forced to repeat an incredibly difficult task - projecting a motion picture from the centers of their stomachs - by the windmill, which appears to be a reference to a state of totalitarianism, as are the aforementioned speaking tubes. Group baths are also used on the show, and when using their own assigned "Tubby Sponges," the speaking tubes come up from the ground and tell them, "Wash, wash, wash. Wash wash wash. Tubby tubby tubby tubby, wash, wash, wash."

I believe that the rabbits are very significant indeed, representing the common folk getting the short end of the stick. The Teletubbies are always taking advantage of the rabbits, in ways subtle but very startling indeed when you bring Communism into mind.

Are we forced to sit back and view our nation's children slowly becoming mesmerized at this Communist activity? Are we producing a generation of Communist children, dooming our entire nation?! This business must stop now.

Editor's note: Eureka! The rabbits! That had never occurred to us, though now it makes perfect sense. Perhaps we should consider their inclusion a knowing wink to Orwell's Animal Farm, or perhaps Watership Down, or maybe even the subversive onomatopoeiac classic Mr. Brown Can Moo. Keep up the good work, and remain ever vigilant against allegorical threats to Our Way of Life, particularly in these critical months before George Bush's slow-witted but Right-Thinking heir assumes his rightful position at our nation's helm.

 

 

From a Right-Thinking American@aol.com

dont bash falwell on his statement of the gayness of tinkymywinky. the ultimate sceme of both commies & faries is to pursue the goal of ramming bolshevek bull**it right up our asses.falwell just hasnt expectorated his idea properly. bill clinton also promotes faggot-commie philosophy when he used a ceegar to poke lewinsky instead of his happy stick. this conspiracy reaches all levels of americanlife. the cure is to kill a commie for mommy & make the game commision to declare april to be open season on ass-rammer commie destroyers of our kids minds.

Editor's note: Er.... yes... we think.

 

 

From a Wrong-Thinking American@saintmail.net

I think that you are badly mistaken. Anyhow, I find that your site is sickening. As a Socialist I see that you are against the unifying of the world, destroying racism and prejudice, and that you are against the people. I guess you won't mind when the government takes the last of our rights.

Editor's note: All we're against is the left-leaning teachings of a bunch of plasticized muppets, Mr. Gueverra--or may I call you Chez?

PS. You just made the list.

 

 

From a Wrong-Thinking American@nwlink.com

I am uncertain whether or not this site is to be take seriously, but if it is, I advise the researchers to try and clearly distinct between socialism, communism, totalinarianism, and capitalism. Orwell was a socialist, and his book 1984 refered to what he feared *capitalism* would do to the world. He even stated his support for democratic socialism in another one of his books. For the sake of fair education, please be sure to check your definitions and references before publishing what could be seen as information. Regardless of my personal political standing, your site gives the perception that the right is a bunch of loonys completely ignorant to the politics of those they diagree with.

Editor's note: For the last time, we have no interest in endorsing George W. Bush's campaign! As for "fair education," our apologies -- we're products of the left-leaning public schools.

 

 

From a Wrong-Thinking American@aol.com

Your site is the biggest piece of crap on the internet I have seen in quite a while. Your interpretation is just that, an interpretation (and a fairly rediculous [sic] one, at that). Are parents communists because thay tell their children what to do (as the speakers do, since the teletubbies obviously don't have "parents")?

And as for one of your readers [sic] comments on the Christmas Tree episode, "Pretty Tree" is a simple phrase and probably something a two-year old would say when seeing one. Don't forget, Teletubbies is for small children who are just learning to talk. The language is on their level, as are the activities. The pinwheel is there to signify a big change in the show. The shorts that the teletubbies receive in their tummies are from small children for small children. The Nu-Nu is like a parent for the teletubbies, since parents are the ones who have to follow their small children around and clean up their messes.

Screw your conspiracy theory. It sucks.

Editor’s Note: No parents, indeed. You’ve stumbled upon the communist dream! As we’ve seen in such right-thinking texts as 1984, Anthem and the subversive Kurt Russell vehicle Soldier, all parents do is instill senses of doubt in the ruling order and promote self-worth, religion or, worse yet, a propensity to vote Democratic. Nu-Nu may be like a parent to the Teletubbies, as you assert -- but only in the same way the Gummint is like a parent to welfare recipients when it tells them they can’t use their food stamps to buy tobacco harvested by hard-working, Right-Thinking Americans, or ammunition, as is their Charleton Heston-given, Second Amendment right. It sucks? It certainly does, Fidel, it certainly does.

 

 

From a Wrong-Thinking American@aol.com

I can't figure out if you're funny or if your [sic] just an idiot that watches far too much television. If you don't like the show you have a right to unplug the television and shove it in the closet. You aren't forced to watch it, and if the "commies" want to produce a television show to convey their ideal, so be it. It's called freedom of speech buddy. Get over it and get a life.

Editor’s Note: Unplug the television? And miss the latest episode of the pro-capitalistic, Right-Thinking show, Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Never!

You can have my TV when you pry it from my cold dead fingers, pal.

 

 

From a Right-Thinking American@shelby.k12.mi.us

Our class is studying various philosophies and came across your web page. In order to better evaluate its content, we would like some information on the author.

1. What level of education does the author have?

2. Is the author associated with any higher educational institution or organized association?

3. Is this a serious attack or an extremely well written parody (that's a genre we're exploring this semester)?

4. Who is your intended audience?

Editor’s Note: At long last, our left-leaning schools are actually teaching our youth something of true value -- the value of eternal vigilance. Teachers and students, you have our eternal gratitude.

Oh, and in the interest of full disclosure, we aren't associated with any organized group. But we were briefly members of the Columbia House Record Club in the mid-1980s.

 

 

From a Right-Thinking American@wcoil.com

Found your site totally by chance, and I was amazed at the amount of solid evidence you have. I was never a fan of Barney, however my sister's three kids love it. They refuse to watch the commietubbies though!!! Here are a couple thoughts of my own, however they may not be as shockingly evident as yours.

I don't totally agree with Falwell stating that Twink is gay, however his name sure indicates it. The traditional Communist, gay or not, is not going to make his sexual orientation public knowledge. Yes, the communists were known for a large gay population, but the government would not approve of the widespread "gayness", like in America today.

While speaking to the wife of a business associate the other day, she stated how her twin boys love the teletubbies. The tone of voice and facial expressions she had while telling me this demonstrated to me that she had been brain-washed by the show as well. She thinks that since her kids are perfect angels while watching she can do housework AHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The commietubbies are taking the place of the parent. Who needs parents when the government is a better teacher?!?!?!?!

My mother works at a pre-school and she positively, absolutely hates the commietubbies. My mother is 64 years old and well remembers the 50's and 60's communist uprisings and propaganda. My father served in the US Army in '56 and I have been brought up extremely Anti-Communist.

Kudos, my friend!!

PS. The Battle is large, but your army is building!

Editor's Note: While we do not approve of anything that detracts from housework or other legitimate, right-thinking activities (like gutting fish or voting Republican), we must resound the warning bell our fellow comrade sounded above -- DO NOT LET YOUR CHILDREN WATCH THIS SHOW UNATTENDED! The communists have long advocated turning children against their parents. If you fail to heed this warning, don't be surprised when there's a knock on the door. And another knock. And another knock.

Eh-oh, indeed.

 

 

From a Confused American@hotmail.com

Why do you consider Zoom to be a controversial show? I watch the show all the time and i do not find it in the least controversial.

Editor's Note: Not controversial? Don't you remember the dubious experiments intended to turn young minds away from the right-thinking Creationist teachings of the Kansas Board of Education, the subverise left-leaning riddles (the ones about peanuts were a clear allusion to Zoom political ubermensch Jimmy Carter), and, worst of all, the hypnotic subliminal chant of the mailing address that haunts us to this day? (Box 350, Boston, Mass., 09124).

They say the price of freedom is eternal vigilance, you know.

 

 

From a Right-Thinking American@aol.com

I noticed that you didn't include the effects that the tubbies are having on the teens of our nation. At many "raves" you can see a drugged out teenager decked out in bright colors, toting a small stufed depiction of one of the tubbies. This is an obvious sign that the effects are infiltrating our system, forcing an otherwise normal child to take dangerous drugs and carry around a symbol of their instigator. Is it a coincidence that these raves first became popular in Britain, where the tubbies first were shown? I think not.

Editor's Note: What's worse, none other than the ostensibly "American" McDonalds was recently giving away these small stuffed depictions of these loathesome Lenninites. Imagine the irony -- ordering an All-American Meal (tm)(R)(sm) and receiving one of these insidious toys as a "prize." (Capitalist Tenet No. 1: Nothing Good is Free.) Worse yet, many of these McDonalds now hide inside our greatest shrines to American ingenuity and know-how, the friendly neighborhood Wal-Mart SuperCenter(tm)(R). Fellow right-thinking Americans, we implore you to resist this Trojan Horse wrapped inside an all-beef patty(tm).

 

 

From a Right-Thinking American@aol.com

THE POISONOUS EFFECTS OF THE COMMIEBITCHTUBBIES HAS INVADED MY HOME. WITH THE HELP OF GOD-BLESSED AMERICANS LIKE JOHN WAYNE , ELVIS, & GENERAL PATTON ; VICTORY OVER THESE INSIDIOUS PERVERTS HAS BEEN ATTAINED. EVERY TIME MY THREE-YEAR-OLD TURNS ON THESE COMMIE C**T-PUS-DRIPPINGS , I PULL OUT MY 12-GAUGE & BLOW AWAY THE T.V. . IT WORKS EVERY TIME. WHEN I SEE TELECOMMIES AT THE MALL POISONING THE MINDS OF AMERICA'S CRUMB-SNATCHERS , I JUST SIC MY DOBERMAN ON THEM & KNEECAP THE FUZZY RUNNERS TO HELP MY DOG EAT THEM. GOD BLESS AMERICA &KILL TELETUBBIES ON SIGHT. KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL

Editor's Note: .... That's just about the most beautiful thing we've ever read. God bless America, indeed.

 

 

From a Wrong-Thinking Ukranian @tm.odessa.ua

Dear Sirs,
We have considerable interested in cooperation and mutual beneficial business with Your company. "PROFFY" STAFF OFFICE working in many fields of business. One of them is employment of Ukrainian specialists in foreign companies. We can select and offer our specialists for the following branches:
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SHIPBUILDING & SHIPREPAIRING pipe-fitters, sand blusters, spray painters, electricians, electronic technicians, compressormen, warehourse workers, riggers, sheetmetal workers, shipfitter, tool repairmen, welders, welding engineers, carpenters, crane operators, diesel mechanics, repair mechanics, etc.

Editor's Note: Nice try, comrade. You can have my bucket ladder dredger when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers, Ivan.

 

 

From a Right-Thinking American@voicenet.com

It really scares me when people respond to a site and start criticizing the webmaster. I can't believe anyone is so f****** stupid as to believe that this is serious. Are these the same people that think that back in 1200 AD we in England pretended to ride horses while banging coconuts together? I am both amused and terrified by the utter ignorance of people, how the hell did you turn your computer on without electrocuting yourselves?

Besides Po-La La- Dipsy-Tinky-Winky said fast enough and with a little slur is actually Russian for Che Guevara and Fidel Castro are absolutely peachy. Bet you idiots didn't even know Russians had a term for peachy....

Editor's Note: We believe the author of this letter is referencing the subversive Monty Python and the Holy Grail in an attempt at humor. BEWARE! This so-called "comedy" is in fact a thinly disguised attack at the concept of monarchy, from which we dervied our plutocracy, from which we derive our rights as Right-Thinking Americans.

They say the price of freedom is eternal vigilance, you know.

 

 

From a Right-Thinking American@aol.com

what's the real story behind these characters..i know that ther are some X-rated pictures of them doing weird things...it may be called Baschinf or something like that..if you have any clue e-mail me and let me know where this sight [sic] is.

Editor's Note: We have no time for such frivolities as we continue our battle against all threats to our great plutocracy. Nor are we enticed by such tugs at our baser nature, surely a plot in and of itself to lure our younger, weaker youth who are already under seige by such insidious influences as postpubscent boy bands and the overly attractive anchors on the Weather Channel.

PS. What's that URL... anyone? Anyone?

 

 

From a Right-Thinking American@aol.com

I have watched my granddaughter stand up and sit down on command with these monsters in pablum coating! The damn commies didn't die with the Soviet Union; we have the yellow hordes poised to strike at any time! North Korea is a festering sore! Red Chine (yeah, Red) has over three million people in uniform! When are we going to wake up! Those in England who produce this trash should be arrested, and brought to this country. We then arrest their American counterparts who allow the show to be aired. They should then be executed (no trial) in a hideously painful way, and the entire nation FORCED to watch, NO CHOICE!! Oh, to hear their screams of agony!! Earl Pitts, where are you when we need you. WAKE UP, UMERICA!

Editor's Note: Another Uniter, Not a Divider. You have our undying gratitude.

 

 

From a Right-Thinking American@hotmail.com

I knew those CommieTubbies were evil the first time I saw them. Thank God for pages like these, had I not found it I might have gone on thinking the CommieTubbies were just another kids show. Now I realize the threat they present and I'm going to do something about. I have also done a tremendous amount of research on the show ZOOM and have found that they are trying to make a paramilitary strike against our government. It's obvious that the multi-cultural kids represent different fascist groups--Keiko-Mau Zedong; Pablo-Totalitarianism; Alisa- Communism (she even admitted she was Russian on one show); Zoe-Nazi Party; Lynese-Confederacy; Jared-Israeli; David- ?

I still have lots of reasearch to do but you can obviously tell they are trying to form a resistance and overcome the good ol' American government, but we are on to their little plan aren't we? We need to stop them before it gets too serious. PBS is actually the entire infrastructure that holds it all together. The so-called pledge-drives really supply money for weapons and vehicles. They really get their money from sweatshops in Africa and Asia. They take advantage of the poor and stupid promising great things but giving little in return. And the workers can't turn to anyone. We need to stop the evil before it spreads any further.

Editor's Note: Absolutely. This sweeps period, I'll be sending my pledge check to UPN, the makers of the fine, Right-Thinking programming When Chefs Attack: America's Dirtiest Kitchens Caught on Tape.

 

 

From a Right-Thinking American@hotmail.com

This is a very well thought out site I must say. Although you missed one thing here. As a former student of communism, I learned that one of the recruitment methods for KGB agents was promise of 'social and sexual' freedoms. Which brought in your gay and bi-sexual members of 'oppressive' societies. Hence the whole tinky-winky thing... Think about it people...

Editor's Note: Eurkea! It's all starting to make sense. Someone give J. Edgar Hoover a call, and we'll have this whole purse-wearing nonsense wrapped up by sundown.

 

 

From a Right-Thinking American@aol.com

Yesterday, I was smokin' crack (purchased from a very capitalistic youth on a street corner) with Johnny Cash. We was just sittin' around, thinkin' about goin' and gettin' some beer, when I mentioned your website. He was interested, so I wheeled him over to the computer, and punched ya'll up...Lemme just say he went plumb crazy with rage..started droolin' and spittin'...and his eyes went all wacky. Next thang I knew, he was on the phone to Merle, Willie, and Waylon. They all came by the house with two fifths of Wild Turkey, and we discussed the situation. After we had finished of the whiskey (and Willie's pound bag), we decided action must be taken.

To make a long story shorter, we all bought us some gasoline...went down to the Nashville PBS...and burned that fu*ker to the ground. As we watched the flames eat away at the communist threat in our neck of the woods, Merle remarked, "That's reel purty".

Just letting ya'll know us god-fearing country boys is [sic] behind ya'll 100%. God Bless. ...

Editor's Note: That's the most beautiful story we've heard since the tales of heroism of the Florida State Troopers during the November elections. Frankly, however, the concept of a PBS affiliate located in Right-Thinking, Gore-Rejecting Nashville concerns us -- if true, it would be something akin to seeing a sex shop in the Vatican -- or , worse yet, Branson, Missouri. Thank you -- and thank you, too, for invoking the name of the great, Right-Thinking Johnny CASH, who by very his very name could NEVER be a communist.

 

 

From a Wrong-Thinking Chinese@all1source.com

With the current economy slowdown, each and every company are trying all possible ways to keep their business competitive. Some of the most effective and fastest solution to increase competitiveness are thru out-sourcing and purchasing cost reduction. All1Source is specially focused to offer professional sourcing and supply solution for industrial and manufacturing industry with supply base spread accross Asia major manufacturing hubs namely China, Taiwan , Singapore , Malaysia to name a few. Our Sourcing Specialist will project manage right from identifying and developing right supplier in meeting your requirements in cost, delivery, quality and capability to first article qualification, preliminary production run till mass production qualification. Our current sourcing strength is much focused on the following areas

1. Complete Tooling Design and Fabrication
2. Tooling spares and insert mass machining
3. Carbide , ceramic and diamond tools and punches
4. Manufacturing of precision metal stamping components
5. Manufacturing of precision machining components

In most cases, we could help our client to >>SAVE MORE THAN 50%<< of their original price thru our strategic global sourcing network.

We could extend our service and help your company to save cost too if you make your first step ...

Editor's Note: Here's our "first step" -- a boot right into your godless, communist spine.
Nice try, Mao, but our precision metal stamping components will continue to be American made, as God intended them to be.

 

 

From a Wrong-Thinking American@aol.com

I hate teletubbies....... but because they are obnoxious and annoying, but communist?

You guys are the f---ed uppiest idoits I have ever come across! Get yourself a girlfriend, will ya!

Cut out this insane bulls--- before you hurt yourself........

Editor's Note: "Get" a girlfriend? Perhaps in your ideal communist state, the government will make your dreams come true and issue you one (much as in the cautionary tales Anthem or Weird Science). As for the rest of us, we'll continue to seek the comforts of the opposite sex by hitting the modern-day meccas of Right-Thinking mingling -- the friendly, clean and reasonably priced neighborhood Applebee's (tm)(R).

 

From a Right-Thinking American@aol.com

pbs is free because it sucks

Editor's Note: Agreed, but there's one hole in your otherwise flawless logic. Fox-TV, purveyor of the jingoistic reality program Boot Camp, is also free -- yet at no cost, the show still whips our nation's impressionable youth into a bloodthirsty frenzy that will serve them well in the Second Gulf War. As the ads for Mastercard, that pillar of our capitalistic society, so wisely say, "There are some things money can't buy." And for everything else, there's...um, Cinemax.

 

 

From a Right-Thinking American Youth @ aol.com

I'm in 8th grade and although most of the kids in my school despise the evil little bastards. I have found some nitwits obsessed over them though and it makes me sick! The people who are obsessed seem incredibly gay and happy all the time. It scares me to see them so happy. Those little dumbass commies have even somehow gotten to the teachers as well!!! Our educators are being brainwashed by commies disguised in funky critter suits!!! I cant stand to watch as the world succumbs to there idiotic baby talk babble that holds messages of horror!!!! God save and Frith above help us!!! We must KILL!! the Tubbies!!!!!KILL!! KILL!!! KILL!!!

Editor's Note: Once again, it seems our so-called "public" schools are merely venues to push a certain agenda -- the pro-leftist puppet agenda, to be specific. Fortunately, at least some of our youth have been instilled with enough God-fearing values (most likely through watching such high-quality, family-value oriented childrens programming as Hammerman and John Ritter is Clifford: The Big Red Dog (tm)(R)) to see through the facade. Will no one act now, before another ribeye steak-related heart attack pulls the hands of George Bush's Right-Thinking But Dimwitted Son's Vice President from the reigns of power?

 

From a Right-Thinking American@ aol.com

There needs to be an animated episode of Sheriff Ricochet Rabbit and Deputy Dog blasting those little bolshevik bastards with Colt 45s, dispatching them to them fires of Hell !

Editor's Note: All too true. And let's do it now, before the Powers of Evil force the exclusion of cartoon guns from our nation's great airwaves in much the same way they flagrantly stripped the First Amendment rights of our nation's God-fearing cartoon cigarette characters. We miss you, Mr. Smokes-a-lot(tm)(R), we truly do.

 

 

From a Muddled-Thinking American @aol.com

listen i swear i won’t tell anyone if you just tell me that all this is a joke. I mean c’mon, you can’t be serious! can you?

Editor’s Note: And what exactly is funny about a global communist conspiracy? Anyone? Anyone?

Thank you.

 

From a Right-Thinking American @aol.com

What about all the violence on TV. I mean I don’t know about the tubbies but what are the powergirls [sic] who get punched in the face teaching our youth today? I only let my child watch stuff like Veggie Tales and Christian cartoons. This is a sick place when I let my child watch Toy Story only to learn that the word idiot is used way to [sic] often in it. What is that teaching our youth? That it is ok to call people names? I know that they will someday face these things but why in the world do we want them to see it on a Saturday morning cartoon?

Editor’s Note: Like our great, Right-Thinking leader, the Powerpuff Girls teach a valuable lesson: You’re either With Us Or Against Us(tm). If anything, we should be beaming episodes of the show into North Korea, to teach their Teletubbie-loving “Dear Leader” a thing or two about preemptive action. As for Toy Story, it, too, offers up an all-too-often-ignored message for our capitalistic society: In the absence of love and a two-parent family, buying vertiable pantaloons of toys will keep the little rugrats happy and emotionally fulfilled. And for that, they have our gratitude.

 

 

From a Wrong-Thinking American @ aol.com

Are you people for real! I don’t know what you have been smoking but you should cut down. It’s starting to stunt the growth of brain cells of what little you have. Teletubbies is a great PBS program for any child and Barney!

Editor’s Note: Cut down? Nice try, Ivan. You can have my American-grown, American-processed and American-marketed-to-minors-and-minorities cigarette when you pry it from my cold dead hands.

 

From a Wrong-Thinking American @ cs.com

What is this junk I stumbled across when I was researching bin Lauden. [sic] Don’t you people have anything to do?

Editor’s Note: Now more than ever, we need to come together as a country. Massive tax cuts and protracted air wars against sandy countries aren’t enough to hold a nation challenged together. We need ideologically motivated muppets to whip up the appropriate outrage to maintain solidarity through the 2004 elections and the threats to democracy that they could pose.

 

From a Wrong-Thinking Netherlander @ isd-holland.nl

U should seek psychiatric help.

Editor’s Note: And “U,” of all people, Karl, should know that the fathers of modern psychotherapy — Freud, Jung, Van Dike — didn’t hail from Right-Thinking locales such as Craigsville, Va., or Crawford, Texas. Nope — those names all sound like they’re straight from freedom-hating, Coalition of the Unwilling Europe. Especially that last guy — he’s probably from your vowel-happy, objectively pro-communist neck of the woods.

The price of freedom is eternal vigilance, you know.

 

 

From a Right-Thinking American @ hotmail.com

I always knew there was something horribly wrong when it came to the Telitubbies. For a time I just thought I was scared of them for no reason, but now it is all to clear. My fear can now be justified! They are not just scary looking creatures that can’t talk, act gay and watch TV from their friggin stomachs, they are socialist pigheads trying to take over the world by brainwashing the children. That right there is a socialist act. When a socialist country would take over another country, they would start their work at the schools, brainwashing the kids into thinking that socialism was a good thing. They knew if they got the kids sucked in, socialism would take over. WE NEED TO GET TELETUBBIES BANNED!!! AHHHHH!

Editor’s Note: The schools? The Teletubbies are far more insidious, attempting to inculcate in our youth the benefits of socialism YEARS before they first go to school. When will we stop allowing such brazen attempts at treachery targeted at those nearly 17 years too young to purchase chewing tobacco, vote Republican or join the NRA?

 

 

From a Wrong-Thinking American @ hotmail.com

hahahahaha what the hell’s wrong with you? how much free time do you have to have to analize the teletubbies, it’s a mindless children’s show. they dance around and make weird little noises, and on top of that the show was made in ENGLAND they aren’t communist in England they’re a figure head society. It’s like saying sesame street is satanic because they’ve had rock stars appear on the show! Like or hate the teletubbies I seriously doubt they promote communism, I think you’re just reading between the lines a bit TOO much and need to stop watching children’s shows

Editor’s Note: Sesame Street has had rock stars appear on the show?

They just made the list.

 

 

From a Wrong-Thinking American @ epix.net

I’m a mother who was innocently looking for some Teletubbies books when I came upon your website. At first I thought it was a joke. Then I realized that some people have nothing better to do with their time than to fabricate some ridiculous theory about a children’s television show and create a website, pretending to have substantial evidence backing it. Well, this reader didn’t buy it and I’m sorry I even wasted my time reading it, although I felt angered enough to let you sorry excuses know how much I think you’re in desperate need of psychiatric therapy and should spend your time doing something valuable. I pray that you aren’t parents, because you will raise your children to be as paranoid and sceptical as you. My children love the teletubbies and it makes them happy and, frankly, that’s all that matters to me!

Editor’s Note: Ideology aside, we’re glad the show makes your children happy. You know, I heard that Trotsky was “happy” in Mexico, too.

 

From a Wrong-Thinking Australian @ iprimus.com.au

hmmm I think you have some problems that need resolving! What is your problem with communism any way? It has some great ideas and the only problem is that it has never really worked. Also it can never exist. As long as Americanism exists. A great example of this is Cuba. America refuses to trade with Cuba only because it is a communist country! And things in Cuba are OK. If America (globalisation my anus!) did trade with them maybe they would have a chance to show the world that communism isnt that bad at all! It failed in other countries only because of the dictators that took over. If anyone has actually bothered to read anything about the IDEAS of communism they would understand it is a lot better for the general population. Did you know 80% of the worlds food goes to 20% of its people. This is due to Capitalism - the rich get richer the poor get poorer. And thats the way is goes. Personally America makes me sick!

so much whooohaar about sep 11th, yet last year the American government killed over 60,000 women and children through food sanctions in Iraq. Also Americans funded Osama binladen - they also funded Saddam, gee it seems whoever they fund terns out to be evil..I wounder why that is!

Editor’s Note: Things in Cuba are OK? Hmm, Fidel, methinks thou dost protest too much. If things in Cuba are so great, why the not-so-hidden plea for free trade with the US? Could it be that the so-called “worker’s paradise” of Cuba, despite its admirable skills in the areas of cigarmaking, DeSoto maintenance and fold-out sofas, lacks the abundance of cheap consumer products imported from China that you’d find in the brightly-lit, frequently cleaned Wal-Mart in even the most forsaken of American towns?

 


From a Wrong-Thinking Lithuanian @ hotmail.com

Good day, I found the information about your company and your email address on the internet pages related to the wood market (google,yahoo,emarketservices,globalwood etc.) As stated on the the mentioned search engines your business activity is the wood trading, At the present time i am looking for a buyer of the wood production from Lithuanian mills to the European, UK, USA or Japan markets (Russian and Lithuanian timber). The mills i represent, can produce almost everything from pine,spruce, oak - either fingerjointed or solid. Other wood species can also be provided upon request (larch etc.) Please visit my web site to find out more about seveal kinds of wood production i can supply.

Editor’s Note: Nice try, Boris. You can have my American-made fingerjointed wood products when you pry them from my cold, dead hands.

 

From a Wrong-Thinking American @ aol.com

Yes, I have a finding : you guys are crack-O’s! Idiots! Right-wing-damn-republican-a—holes! If your dumbass [self] thinks the ‘tubbies are bad, then so is the rest of the world for criticizing Bush’s march to war. I know you have free speech to present this absolute bulls—t as factual information and not as the fascist propaganda it is, but you really should include a disclaimer. (i.e. : “Disclaimer : Nothing on this website is in any way to be construed as un-baised, factual information, because it’s really just bulls—t.”)

As I am a Marxist …. (if you’re to damn stupid to know what that is, it’s like industrial communism), your sick perversion of a harmless children’s show disgusts me. You should also note the difference between Communism, Marxism, Leninism, Marxism-Leninism, and Socialism. You claim different ‘tubbies are Socialist and Communist and Marxist. [As a Marxist] I have no desire to work with the Communists. Why would different economic-theorists work together?

Your fascist ass [-hole self] needs to get one of each of the following : a life, a brain, …

And perhaps you’d like to start thinking for yourselves to … instead of letting Limbaugh do your thinking for you.

Editor’s Note: Now wait just a minute, Karl. You mean there are people out there who actually opposed the Great Liberation of Iraq(tm)(R)? Really, Che, talk about propaganda….

PS. You just made the new, more Patriot-y, list.


We can't do it alone! We need vigilant spotters to report other examples of un-American activities on Teletubbies. Report your findings here. And do it now, before we see a hammer and sickle flying over the Capitol Building!



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